IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

What are the advantages and disadvantages of living a number of different places during your childhood years?

#places #childhood #years
Due to
 the change in society, many
children
 have experienced numerous houses during their childhood. From my perspective, I believe it can bring both benefits and drawbacks because of the following reasons. First of all, living in different places can have many advantages.
This
 can vary the
children
's knowledge about places.
For example
, if Vietnamese
children
 come to live in America, it can improve these kid's English
as well as
 the culture of America.
Moreover
, coming to other places or nations can expand kids' relationships.
As a result
,
this
 can broaden an infant's horizon, quick adaptation and increase the ability to deal with different circumstances.
Although
having
Wrong verb form
they have
show examples
 these benefits, there are some situations that affect negatively to
children
. If the environment in the new area does not fit the kid's personality or ways of living, it can be a concern.
For instance
, a dark side in Japan is that people from other nations who come to
this
 country often have to face racial discrimination. A Vietnamese adolescent
youtuber
Correct your spelling
YouTuber
show examples
 has shared that when he came to a bank in Japan when the staff had seen the nation he came from, she immediately switched her
manner
Fix the agreement mistake
manners
show examples
 and told his wife to come home,
this
 not only happens to adults but
also
children
.
As a result
,
this
 can impact some sensitive person's mental health, and cause cultural shock. In some extreme cases can
also
 cause depression during a kid's formative years. In conclusion, because of globalization, many parents have to change their workplace which can improve
children
's knowledge
as well as
 racism.
Submitted by pupeos1902 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay addresses the advantages and disadvantages of living in different places during childhood. However, the development of the ideas lacks depth and clarity. Make sure to fully address all parts of the question and provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The organization of your essay is adequate, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Consider using more transition words and structuring your paragraphs in a clearer way to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: