IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Topic 10. In some countries older people are being encouraged to work longer and not to retire. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working beyond retirement age.

#topic #countries #people #work #retirement #age
As
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 old
people
 will
work
 at the age of retirement it has both sides good
as well as
 bad.
Firstly
, If older
people
 will
work
then
 it is good for their family.
Secondly
, as old
people
 will
work
then
 it will create unemployment for young
people
.
However
, as a person will
work
then
 it is good for the body. As a young person will get less operation for the job is
disadvantage
Add an article
a disadvantage
show examples
 for a nation. If an old human will
work
that is
 good for a friend and family.
This
 will be advantageous for the old but on another side
while
this
 has disadvantages.
Although
, it has some benefits
country
 should support
this
 type of thing.
Finally
, it has two sides. ,
Moreover
Add a comma
,Moreover
show examples
 it
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
 less operation for humans. Due
Change preposition
to
show examples
thisto
Correct your spelling
this
,unemployment
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 should set
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 on it.
For example
, a highly knowledge lady will do a job
then
 it will be helpful to a nation. It has advantages
as well as
 disadvantages. In a
country
 like
China
Add a comma
,China
show examples
 it should not be supported and in a
country
Add a comma
,country
show examples
 the population is less than it should be supported.
People
 should co-operate with the nation. as states will be helpful which will help in the growth of the town sides.
Hence
, it should be supported by the government.
For example
, if men at the age of 100 years will do the job
then
 one young human will not get
work
. There should be a law that highly educated
people
 have to do only jobs. As more and more
people
 will
work
 that will
Add a missing verb
be
show examples
better for states.
Submitted by purvametaliya99  on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: