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Band 4.5

Many people are choosing to move to cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #cities #trend
Moving to
cities
,
also
 known as
urbanisation
, is a phenomenon where loads of
people
 from rural areas move closer to the heart of a city. In common, the
urbanisation
 movement is done to reach a goal; a better financial situation for the family in order to fulfil the basic needs for daily life. Most
people
 who grew up in rural areas do not get equally proper education at an early age.
Thus
, they are likely not able to step higher into getting a better job to support the family's financial condition.
People
 believed that moving to the
cities
 would create a better future for the family. Truth be told, it is not just a mere grapevine heard by the
people
. There are a lot of stories from successful workers from poor financial
family status
Replace the word
families
show examples
 who managed to help their families get into a better life. But, certainly,
disadvantages
 come with advantages. It appears that serious
disadvantages
 of
urbanisation
 have steadily piled up. The super crowded city as an impact of
urbanisation
 is one of the
disadvantages
 that surrounds us. Sure, as
people
 flood the capital and the industry area, the economic growth
must
Verb problem
will
show examples
 likely
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
significantly
increased
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
. But if there are too many
people
, it makes it hard to '
breath
Replace the word
breathe
show examples
' in a city that never sleeps. Air and sound pollution is getting more and more concerning as the usage of vehicles like motorcycles and cars is increasing. Yet,
urbanisation
 is still happening today.
People
 move to the
cities
while
 bringing hope and desperation to their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones.
Therefore
, one could say that the advantages of
this
 trend have outweighed the
disadvantages
, as the fulfilment of basic needs is still considered hard for many
people
. If the government
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 fix
this
 situation, it will encourage more
people
 to keep coming to the
cities
 in the future.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
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    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
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    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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