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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.

The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.
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The line graphs provide information about the amount of funds spent
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s
sports
Use synonyms
 by British parents and
Use synonyms
participation
Correct article usage
the participation
show examples
 of these
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
children’s
Change noun form
children
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 in three different
sports
Use synonyms
 from 2008 to 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, more money
spent
Add a missing verb
was spent
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s
sports
Use synonyms
 over the 6-year period.
According to
Linking Words
 the
participation
Use synonyms
, the most dramatic change was seen in the figures for athletics. In 2008, British families spent 20
pounds
Use synonyms
 on their
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s
sports
Use synonyms
 on a monthly basis. The amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money sharply increased after 2008. It nearly reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
25
pounds
Use synonyms
 per month in 2010 and in 2012 it was about 28
pounds
Use synonyms
. By 2014,
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 monthly spend on
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 had risen to approximately 33
pounds
Use synonyms
. Looking
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
participation
Use synonyms
, most of the British
children
Use synonyms
 enrolled
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 football in 2008 and the amount was around 8
million
Use synonyms
. In six years, the number of
children
Use synonyms
participated
Wrong verb form
participating
show examples
 in football increased a little and peaked
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 8.5
million
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 swimming was the second
popular
Correct quantifier usage
most popular
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 activity in Britain among
children
Use synonyms
2008
Change preposition
in 2008
show examples
 with nearly 2.4
million
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
participation
Replace the word
participants
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, athletics was less than approximately less than 1
million
Use synonyms
. Swimming rose slightly and reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about 4.8
million
Use synonyms
 in 2014. By 2014,
participation
Use synonyms
 in athletics had risen to around 5
million
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words children’s, sports, participation, pounds, children, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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