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Band 4

Some people say that the extinction of species is the main environmental problem that we are facing in modern times. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#people #extinction #species #times
Some individuals say that the loss of fauna is the major environmental issue that we encountering
in in
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apply
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nowadays. I totally disagree with
this
 statement because there are several environmental issues
such
 as
,
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apply
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air
pollution
, and global warming
extremely
Rephrase
that are more
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 important than
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the disapperance
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disapperance
Correct your spelling
disappearance
 of
ainimals
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animals
.
To begin
 with, there are
a
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apply
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various reasons why I believe there are very environmental
problem
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problems
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 than dying out of species.
Firstly
, in
modern
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the modern
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 world
the
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apply
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animals
has
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have
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 become not
nescessary
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necessary
thing
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things
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.
This
 is because thanks to advancements in technology, we can carry out our medical
researches
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research
show examples
 using
simulations
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simulation
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progarms
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programs
instead
 of
make
Verb problem
conducting
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trial
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trials
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 in
ainmals
Correct your spelling
animals
.
Furthermore
, scientists discovered a new method to
made
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make
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artifical
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artificial
 food, which
this
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apply
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indicate
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indicates
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 our dependence
in
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on
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 animals to meet our
animals
Change to a genitive case
animal's
animals'
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 meat will become less.
Secondly
, I believe the biggest issues
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that threat
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threat
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threaten
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the
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apply
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life
in
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on
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 the earth in recent
time
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times
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 is
air
pollution
, and global warming. Regarding
pollution
,
air
pollution
is pose
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poses
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 a threat to human health .
This
 is
due to
 the fact that
,
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apply
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air
 contamination can
makes
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make
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 people
are
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apply
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more vulnerable to
develop
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developing
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 serious diseases namely, cancer,
hear
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heart
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attack
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attacks
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,
asthma
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and asthma
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. In terms of warming, global warming
contribute
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contributes
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 to rising the temperature of
earth
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the earth
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 ,which means
th
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the
 ice
polar
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apply
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will melt and cause
rising
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the rising
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 of sea levels.
Consequently
, in
near
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the near
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future
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future,
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 we will expect more natural disasters namely,floods,
extreme
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and extreme
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 weather, which
this
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apply
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will
makes
Verb problem
cause
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a
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apply
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considerable damage
in
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to
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people
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people's
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 homes
as well as
 cost many lives.
To sum up
, I strongly believe the
the
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apply
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environmental
problem
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problems
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 namely,
air
pollution
,
global
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and global
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 warming are very significant problems we face in
modern
Add an article
the modern
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 world
Rephrase
rather
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than dying out of species, because
pollution
 and global warming have
a negative impacts
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a negative impact
negative impacts
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in
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on
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 health as well
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
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 of
living
Replace the word
life
show examples
 of people .
Submitted by faiz3177 on

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Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt but could benefit from providing a more balanced argument by acknowledging the importance of species extinction as well. Consider exploring both perspectives to strengthen your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed and a conclusion that summarizes the arguments presented. Work on structuring your essay with a stronger introduction and conclusion to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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