IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some believe that dangerous sports should be banned, while others think that people should be free to choose. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It has been frequently argued that extreme games should not be allowed to
play
Wrong verb form
be played
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, whilst a few masses opine that youngsters should not be forced not to play.
This
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 essay intends to shed light on both perspectives
along with
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 my viewpoint in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, adventurous sports bring a plethora of advantages to the life of inhabitants.
Initially
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, people could
improvise
Verb problem
improve
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 their stress and anxiety management skills,
while
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 gaming on a regular basis.
For instance
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, these activities involve plenty of situations, where players need to deal with difficulty in decision-making and stressful timings.
Besides
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, these come up with benefits of physical movements and by following regular exercising procedures,
consequently
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, a person could build a really good physique only by regular involvement in these. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks faced by the masses, when they play dangerous sports. To commence with, there are many risks of serious injuries when they might not be following the guidelines provided or getting too much stress.
For example
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, some of the players become physically handicapped, when they aggressively participate or
opponents
Rephrase
when opponents
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 are
strong
Rephrase
too strong
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 to be conquered.
Apart from
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this
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, in fact, there is
also
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 a probability that a person would be dead, as these involve a high amount of danger to lives as well. Undoubtedly, many reports illustrate that carelessness by trainers, empires or gamers, leads to the loss of a life, sometimes. In conclusion, there are a few threats present in the cruel games
due to
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 negligence of organisers, empires, or players,
however
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 , these could bring up a considerable number of benefits as well in the lives of individuals. In my opinion, extra attention ought to be paid to the events of extreme games,
whereas
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 it should not be banned completely.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction is somewhat clear and addresses the topic. However, the essay lacks a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. There should be more coherence between the paragraphs to strengthen the argument. The conclusion is weak and needs to be reinforced.
task achievement
The response partially addresses the task, presenting both views. However, the ideas lack clarity and coherence, making it difficult to follow the argument. Specific examples and supporting details are needed to strengthen the points made in the essay.
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