IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs personal information, such as their hobbies and inerests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #inerests
Nowadays , many occupations require
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of personal
information
 that might be irrelevant to the work. people have extreme points of view toward
this
 situation and I am going to explain why in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, many
indiviuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 tend to make their personal
information
 secret , they believe that it is their own life and no one can have access to it .
However
 some of them do not care about that , and they try to be acceptable for the job
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 any way ,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
no matter how inquisitive questions could be asked to them.
Secondly
, companies tend to ask personal questions to know if the candidates are having other responsibilities,that could influence
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their performance in the work. For ,instance they could ask if the employees have children or not . But
nevertheless
, it might be sometimes out of the lines . From my perspective, I do believe that personal
information
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 essential
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 any occupation ,
nontheless
Correct your spelling
nonetheless
 it should be related to the job, and I think it needs to have
specifics
Change the noun form
specific
show examples
 criteria that are based on the most important points of the job.
However
 the employer has to preserve the
information
 of the employees carefully without sharing it with anyone,
otherwise
 I would disagree with that . In conclusion , I would say that people need to be more
acceptable
Replace the word
accepting
show examples
 to
shar
Correct your spelling
sharing
 their
information
 if it does not reflect badly, and it will be beneficial for employers if they keep
indiviuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
individual
 personal
information
save
Replace the word
safe
show examples
.
Submitted by wdalris2020 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: