IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries its is not illegal to advertise alcohol. Do you agree or disagree ?

#countries #alcohol
Promoting booze is considered to be against the law in various nations. I firmly concur with that action and believe that it is the right thing to do.
Firstly
, by prohibiting the act of advertising alcohol, the number of people who have not experienced those drinks will unlikely have the opportunity to consume that type of liquid, considering that they are not going to know whether or not that liquor exists or where to purchase them.
As a consequence
, the health of our civilization will grow by leaps and bounds.
According to
 profound and meticulous research, it is scientifically proven that abusing alcohol is a radical factor which leads to innumerable health problems.
For instance
, more than half of the world's booze consumers eventually suffer from injuries, violence, liver diseases, cancer,etc...
Secondly
, in lieu of the fact that the expenditure spent on booze accounts for a notable proportion of the world's economy, it is unwise and not thoughtful to advertise drinks in any form of broadcasting. Under no circumstances should the government put its people's health at risk in exchange for the development of the country's economic state. There are innumerable other aspects that dramatically contribute to the growth of a nation,
such
 as cultures, sports, and traditional and
historic
Correct word choice
historical
show examples
 values,...
Furthermore
, in order to maintain the productivity and efficiency of the economy
as well as
 society, workers and employees are the key factors, and liquor has the power to detrimentally and
deteriorated
Verb problem
apply
show examples
ruin their abilities to fully operate.
For example
, conceiving a manager who is currently drunk runs their company, we all are capable of foreseeing the picture of him causing his organization's demise. In conclusion, promoting liquor will result in a variety of social issues, like the degradation of resident's condition and the advantage it offers cannot overwhelm its drawbacks.
Therefore
, I wholeheartedly approve of the given
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 of a number of countries.
Submitted by nguyennhatanh280707 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve the structure of your essay by organizing your ideas in a logical manner. Make sure to have a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Ensure that you provide specific examples and details to support your arguments. Address the prompt directly and consider both sides of the argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: