IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

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In recent years, the topic of the comprehensive popularity of
video
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games
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 has emerged as a significant concern for the general public.
While
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 some individuals contend that some people think that
video
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games
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 bring many disadvantages and
harmful
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are harmful
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 to young children,
i
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I
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 maintain that there are three main problems associated with
there
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their
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 products, and
also
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 three remedies we can adopt.
This
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 assay will elucidate these differing perspectives.
One
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On
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 the one hand, it is essential to recognize that individuals should acknowledge the significant advantages associated with the harmful effects of
video
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games
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. A crucial consideration is
that
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apply
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the level of violence in
games
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, which highlights that many of them feature aggressive or warlike characters, ranging from soldiers to criminals and killers.
For example
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, it is noteworthy that it can lead to psychological obsession and acts of loss of control over everyone.
In addition
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, another important point to emphasize is there are physical activities
about
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for
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 excessive gaming.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that some like causing insomnia
makes
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make
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 the spirit of exhaustion and
moreover
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 can be hospitalized with some severe conditions.
On the other hand
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,
There
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there
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 are some feasible measures that have been implemented. A noteworthy factor to consider is that provide and advise advice through schools to many children, which emphasizes that teachers provide harmful information about playing
video
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games
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for
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to
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teenager
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teenagers
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 who listen regularly.
Furthermore
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, it is essential to underscore
that
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the
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 promulgating strict laws and content control of the game.
This
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 assertion is supported by the fact that censorship
in
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is in
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 the way of films and preventing inappropriate documents for kids. In short,
this
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 is a problem that affects both society
,
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apply
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 and requires timely and effective disarmers of schools and governments.

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task achievement
Your essay has some insightful points, but the arguments lack depth and development. Make sure to elaborate on each problem and remedy with more details and examples to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be clearer, simplifying the language and structure to better outline the key points. Also, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to establish its main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of transitions between ideas could be improved to enhance the flow of your essay. Try to use linking words and phrases effectively to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Consider proofreading for grammatical and vocabulary errors, as they can detract from the clarity of your ideas. For example, clarify phrases like 'harmful to young children' earlier in the essay.
task achievement
You demonstrate a good understanding of the issue at hand, recognizing both the problems and potential solutions related to video games for children.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the negative impacts of video games and the solutions that can be applied, which is a strong approach.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • interpersonal skills
  • violent content
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
  • family dynamics
  • educational campaigns
  • parental controls
  • alternative activities
  • content ratings
  • cognition
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