IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

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In
this
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 day and age, there are many surveys that show
children
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 tend to lock themselves up at home to play virtual
games
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 rather than hand out when having spare
time
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.
Consequently
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, a lot of issues are generated by it. In
this
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 article, I will illustrate my perspective on
this
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 matter. On the one hand, video
games
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 play an essential role that helping individuals let their hair down and release stress.
However
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, if your kids spend a lot of
time
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 just playing electronic
games
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 that might lead to some severe
problems
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 particularly physical health or mental health.
For example
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, the blue light from electronic devices namely smartphones and computers can have negative effects on their eyes.
Then
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, the next generations will get more and more short-sighted or many diseases related. Another disadvantage is that many
games
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 with harmful content are now available on the internet so juveniles can learn from that and
thus
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 have bad behaviors. In terms of solving
problems
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, education in school should have more attractive outdoor activities for offspring
such
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 as conducting a competition about swimming or visiting historical destinations.
As well as
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 educated
children
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 not spending much
time
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 taking part in
games
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 in order to not waste hours. When it comes to family, they have responsibilities to observe what their kids are playing and limit the
time
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 for it and hang out with kids more often to get on well with them.
To sum up
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, computer
games
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 have their pros and cons.
However
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, it depends on how teenagers use it and have the right perspective.Many people today are worried about young
children
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 using video
games
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. What
problems
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 might these
games
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 cause, for
children
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 and society as a whole? How could these
problems
Use synonyms
 be reduced?

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Language Use
To enhance clarity and impact, focus on diversifying your sentence structures and employing a wider range of vocabulary. This not only demonstrates linguistic skill but also keeps the reader engaged.
Content and Development
Consider adding more concrete examples and statistics to strengthen your arguments. Specific illustrations of problems and solutions add credibility and depth to your essay.
Structure
Work on developing a clearer structure within paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally begin with a topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting sentences and a conclusive statement to wrap up the argument.
Task Response
Make sure to have a balanced discussion on both parts of the question. While you've addressed both causes and solutions, ensuring each section is fully developed will improve the essay's comprehensiveness.
Content
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the problems caused by video games and suggesting solutions.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes both the issues and possible solutions, showcasing your ability to synthesize information.
Structure
You demonstrated a good effort in structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • interpersonal skills
  • violent content
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
  • family dynamics
  • educational campaigns
  • parental controls
  • alternative activities
  • content ratings
  • cognition
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