IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Governments should not provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#governments #care #support #people #responsibility #person #retirement
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It is said authorities should not offer
care
Use synonyms
 or financial
support
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 for senior
people
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 it is the responsibility of each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
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to prepare for retirement and
support
Use synonyms
 him or herself. I totally disagree with the statement because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
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 in the past contribute
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 economy of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
show examples
, and
also
Linking Words
 if
government
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 provide
fnancial
Correct your spelling
financial
 and
care
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support
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 for older
people
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this
Linking Words
 step can solve the youth
people
Use synonyms
 unemployment problem.
To begin
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 with, there
several
Add a missing verb
are several
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 reasons why I believe that compulsory for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments
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 to look after
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.
Firsty
Correct your spelling
First
, the senior
people
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 have paid taxes to the local
government
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, which means they contribute to
public
Add an article
the public
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 budget of the
government
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.
Therefore
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, the
governments
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 should give back to older
people
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 and use these funds to build more nursing and retirement homes in order to look after elderly
people
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.
Furthermore
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, if the
government
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 provide financial
support
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 for elderly
people
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 these step can build good relationships between the
governments
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 and their citizens, which means citizens will
satisfied
Change the verb form
be satisfied
satisfy
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about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the performance of their
government
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.
Secondly
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,
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
fnancial
Correct your spelling
financial
 and
care
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support
Use synonyms
 for elderly
people
Use synonyms
 can tackle the youth unemployment problem.
This
Linking Words
 is because if the
government
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 offer
care
Use synonyms
 or financial incentivize for older
people
Use synonyms
 can encourage them to retire early.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young
people
Use synonyms
 will find more jobs opportunity, which means the rate of poverty and crime among young
people
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 will decrease.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I strongly believe the is obligatory for authorities to offer
fnancial
Correct your spelling
financial
 and physical
support
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 for elderly
people
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 because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
 in the past contribute
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 national economy of the country,
providing
Correct word choice
and providing
show examples
support
Use synonyms
 can increase the relationships
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governments
Change preposition
between governments
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 and their citizens.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
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support
Wrong verb form
supporting
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 older
people
Use synonyms
 can create a lot of jobs opportunity
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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