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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (20 mins.)

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (20 mins.)
#two #show #sales #sectors #canada #summaries #information #features #comparisons #mins
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The graphs provide information on the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of online shopping in comparison between 2005 and 2010,
along with
Linking Words
 each category.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 each category is nearly the same in the different 5 years. In 2005, the majority of electronics and appliances were about 35%, but
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dropped to 30% by 2010. During the next 5 years period, as shown
as
Correct your spelling
an
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 increasing number of people chose to purchase food & beverage online, which increases
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 10
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, which is jumping to the largest
overall
Linking Words
 proportion of
online
Add an article
the online
show examples
 market. At 25
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of home furnishings were bought in Canada in the year 2005.
However
Linking Words
, the number had fallen down to 15
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, by 2010.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the interesting fact is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video games were more popular than home furnishings in 2010, but the
percentage
Use synonyms
 is still 23
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, which is 5
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
last
Linking Words
 5 years.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, percentages with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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