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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. (20 mins.)

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. (20 mins.)
#two #show #sales #sectors #canada #summaries #information #features #comparisons #mins
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The graphs provide information on the
percentage
 of online shopping in comparison between 2005 and 2010,
along with
 each category.
Overall
, the
percentage
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 each category is nearly the same in the different 5 years. In 2005, the majority of electronics and appliances were about 35%, but
this
percentage
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dropped to 30% by 2010. During the next 5 years period, as shown
as
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 increasing number of people chose to purchase food & beverage online, which increases
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 10
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, which is jumping to the largest
overall
 proportion of
online
Add an article
the online
show examples
 market. At 25
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of home furnishings were bought in Canada in the year 2005.
However
, the number had fallen down to 15
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, by 2010.
Moreover
, the interesting fact is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video games were more popular than home furnishings in 2010, but the
percentage
 is still 23
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, which is 5
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
last
 5 years.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, percentages with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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