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Band 4.5

Nowadays, many governments' budget money for the sports industry. Why do you think governments are funding sports so heavily? Do you think this is an appropriate investment?

#governments #budget #money #sports #industry #investment
In recent years it
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 seen that authorities are allocating funds to the sporting industry and they should provide those benefits. I believe that it is necessary to have an investment in the
sports
 sector.
Firstly
, funding for
sports
 by the ministry is necessary because of the following reasons,
this
 encourages the public to invest their time in
sports
 that will improve their health and minimize the risk of diseases.
For instance
, around the world obesity has become a high health risk
due to
 poor diet and lack of exercise so, if authorities fund
sports
 it will enable
people
 to
do exercises
Wrong verb form
exercise
show examples
.
Furthermore
,
this
 will improve
people
's social lives since nowadays
sports
 is the most activity
people
 do in their free time and
also
people
 are earning a living from
sporting
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
.
For example
, when
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 provides funding to
sports
people
 who are talented can
also
 earn good
money
 later soccer pays well so the player gets the chance to play in sporting is funded well. It is
also
 a way that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can put in
money
 and later on benefit from that.
However
, the state should not spend
money
 on funding
sports
 rather they should direct that
money
 to charity to improve and provide for those who are underprivileged.
Thus
, providing orphanages and charity organizations so that children will be able to attend school. In conclusion, I strongly believe that authority investing in
sports
 is necessary because it helps
in reducing
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 health risks and
also
 creates employment for those with the talent to pursue their goals.
Submitted by fideliscity on

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task response
The essay does not fully address all parts of the task. Some points lack clarity and relevance.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear and coherent organization. The introduction and conclusion are not effectively presented, and the development of the main points is disorganized.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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