IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle. Other believe that government should take care of it. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

#people #lifestyle #government #care
Nowadays,
due to
 medical advancements,
people
 are now individually responsible for their own healthy lifestyles. So,
people
 can live longer and thanks to the gym, It is a place where workers can exercise to live a healthier life. Other opines that the government should take care of it. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views and at ,
last
 conclusion would be made. To scrutinize , everybody should be responsible for their bodies. Citizens should stay away from fast foods and
instead
, eat lots of fruits and vegetables if they want to live a longer life. To live more years, citizens
also
 have to focus on outdoor activities
such
 as volleyball, Basketball and many more.
In addition
, when someone goes to buy some groceries nearby, at that time the person has to go there on walking
instead
 of going with their private transportation.
For instance
, a survey conducted by the World Health Organization, states that more than 60% of the population of the world are more healthy and often exercise themselves, in comparison to
people
 who depend on others.
On the other hand
, some advisers think that the government should include themselves, in order to raise awareness amongst their populace to stay healthy and fit. But there are some circumstances in which the audience cannot understand about living healthy lifestyles.
For instance
,
due to
 the Covid-19 pandemic
situation
Add a comma
,situation
show examples
 there was fear all over the country
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 pandemic
situations
Add a comma
,situations
show examples
 crowd do not know about the virus which spread whole over the world, and in that, circumstances
people
 do not know what to do
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
order to keep themselves fully fit, so they do not get affected by the virus.
Submitted by navadiya3288 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: