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Band 5

Some people believe that schools should reward those students who show excellent academic performance while some believe that only the ones who show significant improvement in the grades should be rewarded. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Nowadays, citizens think pupils performing exceptionally well should be incentivized,
while
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 other parents think wards showing reasonable increments should get a prize. It is a controversial topic which might
arise
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raise
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 a contentious argument.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, objectifying the academic ability to learn puts tremendous amounts of pressure on students, expecting them to perform exceptionally well, compared to their peers, increasing hatred and cut-throat competition at an early age.
Also
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, it can lead to various mental health problems among young souls.
Moreover
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, there is scientific research that refrains students
to study
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from studying
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 excessively for more than 4 hours a day,
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Otherwise
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Otherwise,
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 they will become dull in future. Human beings have the propensity to develop various illnesses in youth,
for instance
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, obsessive-compulsive disorder(OCD), depression, etc. It affects
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, guardians have different thoughts, incentivising the gradual betterment of the average kids is valid, leading to a more focussed approach among their progeny with a less cognitive ability
such
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 as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder(ADHD).
Additionally
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, it helps them develop grit, eventually becoming an all-rounded personality. In fact, in a recent study it was found,
the
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that the
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 reticular activating system (RAC) in the brain gets activated in slow-minded people far better than the normal people.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, some parents are oblivious to the fact that scores in the examination are a minuscule part of life that it takes to be a human.
Overall
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, there needs to be a study-life balance which can be implemented to alleviate the path to success in a holistic manner. In my opinion, it is a two-edged sword, it depends on how we align the values and rewards together.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks clarity and coherence in presenting the argument. The introduction is partially relevant to the topic and the conclusion does not effectively summarize the discussion. The essay lacks a clear development of ideas and the points are not effectively supported with appropriate examples.
Task Achievement
The response provides a partial analysis of the topic. It lacks clear development of ideas and fails to provide a comprehensive discussion of both views. The specific examples provided are weak and do not effectively support the arguments. The essay should provide a more balanced analysis of both views and offer stronger, relevant examples to support the opinions.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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