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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousands) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousands) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
#men #women #thousands #education #britain #three #periods
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According to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 graph, the number of men and women in
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 in Britain shows the following pattern. In the case of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
, the number of male
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined slightly from about 1000
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thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1970/71 to about 850
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1990/91.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
this
Linking Words
figure
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 rose back to about 850
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1990/91 from about 820
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1980/81. The proportion of full-time
education
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 has declined during
this
Linking Words
 period.
However
Linking Words
, the proportion of part-time
education
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 has increased dramatically.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in the case of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the number of both full-time
education
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 and part-time
education
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 has increased during
this
Linking Words
 period. From about 700
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1970/71, these figures rose to about 830
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1980/81, to about 1100
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thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in 1990/91. In terms of full-time
education
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,
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 rose by about 360 to about 900 in 1990/91.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, with respect to part-time
education
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,
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 rose dramatically between 1980/81 and 1970/71.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 rose slightly between 1980/81 and 1990/91.
Submitted by rizalestari on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, on the other hand".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words education, thousands, figure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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