The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousands) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousands) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
According to
this
graph, the number of men and women in
further
education
in Britain shows the following pattern. In the case of
male
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males
show examples
, the number of male
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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declined slightly from about 1000
thousands
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thousand
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in 1970/71 to about 850
thousands
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thousand
show examples
in 1990/91.
However
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,However
show examples
this
figure
rose back to about 850
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1990/91 from about 820
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1980/81. The proportion of full-time
education
has declined during
this
period.
However
, the proportion of part-time
education
has increased dramatically.
On the other hand
, in the case of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the number of both full-time
education
and part-time
education
has increased during
this
period. From about 700
thousands
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thousand
show examples
in 1970/71, these figures rose to about 830
thousands
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thousand
show examples
in 1980/81, to about 1100
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1990/91. In terms of full-time
education
,
this
figure
rose by about 360 to about 900 in 1990/91.
On the other hand
, with respect to part-time
education
,
this
figure
rose dramatically between 1980/81 and 1970/71.
However
,
this
figure
rose slightly between 1980/81 and 1990/91.
Submitted by rizalestari on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, on the other hand".
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
Vocabulary: Replace the words education, thousands, figure with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 9 times.
Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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