The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousands) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousands) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
According to
this
graph, the number of men and women in
further
education
in Britain shows the following pattern. In the case of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
, the number of male
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined slightly from about 1000
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1970/71 to about 850
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1990/91.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
this
figure
rose back to about 850
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1990/91 from about 820
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1980/81. The proportion of full-time
education
has declined during
this
period.
However
, the proportion of part-time
education
has increased dramatically.
On the other hand
, in the case of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the number of both full-time
education
and part-time
education
has increased during
this
period. From about 700
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1970/71, these figures rose to about 830
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1980/81, to about 1100
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
in 1990/91. In terms of full-time
education
,
this
figure
rose by about 360 to about 900 in 1990/91.
On the other hand
, with respect to part-time
education
,
this
figure
rose dramatically between 1980/81 and 1970/71.
However
,
this
figure
rose slightly between 1980/81 and 1990/91.
Submitted by rizalestari on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, on the other hand".
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
Vocabulary: Replace the words education, thousands, figure with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 9 times.
Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!