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Band 4.5

A country's future depends on it's young people. Therefore, a country should invest heavily in its youth. Do you agree or disagree?

#country #future #people #youth
It is reckoned that young citizens are able to define their country’s future,
hence
, a country ought to invest significantly in its youth. From my aspect, I, 16, strongly agree with the thought. At first glance, a fair portion of people recommend that each budget offer benefits to young folks
as a result
 of the following development since it is believed that kids will be effective in any side either finance or technology,
that is
, despite the bottom dollars left, it
also
 should be bet for supporting the adolescent.
For instance
, it is
sure
Correct word choice
certain
show examples
 that
elder
Correct word choice
elderly
show examples
 crowds have many different thoughts compared to children as commonly seen nowadays. Not forgetting to mention that, undeniably, their interactions are not always right, in parallel, new thoughts offered by the kids can turn up new visions. On top of that, the earth does not stop all the time, it keeps moving
thus
 many countries start developing in order to be the best so the children are
such
 a crucial factor since many merits appear among the adolescent working together. To illustrate, many research
represent
Verb problem
studies show
show examples
 that kids can work faster and more effectively than normal people with a dearth of fast learning even though the decisions made sometimes is wrong, on the flip side, mistakes can give one the development
To sum up
, I opine that investing in youth can
make
Verb problem
put
show examples
 a country in a better position in the future
due to
 the benefits following. Even if some bad incidents occur,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
show examples
 one bigger success.
Submitted by amittawin on

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Task Response
The introduction lacks clarity and coherence. It is important to clearly present your opinion and provide a brief overview of the main points you will discuss in the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks clear organization and connection between ideas. Use appropriate linking words and cohesive devices to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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