IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people spend a lot of money on their looks that is by taking expensive haircuts, cosmetic surgeries, and buying branded clothes. some people say that this is a good way of spending money while others think this money can be spent in other ways. discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #money #haircuts #surgeries #clothes
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
People
 hold varied thoughts about
money
 spent on enhancing their outlook, because some are in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
favour of
such
 expenses,
while
 others consider spending
money
 on
beauty
 entirely a
wastage
Replace the word
waste
show examples
 and I
also
 support
this
 latter group of
people
. On the one hand,
people
 support the
money
 spent on
beauty
 by linking it with improved employability. As, having
presentable
Correct article usage
a presentable
show examples
 look is one of the requirements in some jobs
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 for modelling, customer service representative, airlines and many more. So,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 who are not naturally blessed with good looks can use their talent by availing the cosmetic treatment.
For Example
, in
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 industry most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
actress
Fix the agreement mistake
actresses
show examples
 get cosmetic surgeries done which help them to attain big film projects.
On the other hand
, opponents of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
beauty
 expenditures say that no matter how much
money
 someone
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 on appearance but
beauty
 fades away with time. So, they should utilize the
money
 on
investment
Fix the agreement mistake
investments
show examples
such
 as buying
house
Add an article
a house
show examples
,
setting
Correct word choice
and setting
show examples
 up
business
Correct article usage
a business
show examples
instead
 of wasting
money
 on cosmetic products which will enable them to earn more and would have a secure future in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
terms of monetary needs.
Similarly
, being obsessed with personality is dangerous. Because so many chemicals are used on our skin during hair and cosmetic procedure
that
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 might
can
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
react to the skin which would lead to critical skin disease in later days.
To sum up
, even though
people
 have valid dialogues to spend
money
 on appearance yet I believe,
due to
 the
wastage
Replace the word
waste
show examples
as well as
dangers
Correct article usage
the dangers
show examples
 it can cause. So,
people
 should accept them as it is.
Submitted by kaur444ranjeet on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: