IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays people live longer after they retire. How does this affect individuals and society? What can be done about it?

#people #affect #individuals #society
Currently,
life
 expectancy has increased and the
number
 of people reaching retirement age is increasing
further
. It has a good
affect
Correct your spelling
effect
show examples
individuals
Change preposition
on individuals
show examples
 but
bad
Add a missing verb
is bad
show examples
 for society. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 the
government
 should change some old rules or introduce new laws.
Frkm
Correct your spelling
From
 year to year the
number
 of pensioners are getting
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 because of good quality modern medicine and
life
. Our medicine became more effective now
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 it was before. Doctors and scientists invented new
medcine
Correct your spelling
medicine
medicines
 for almost all
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
. We completely got rid of the plague and cholera. But the large
number
 of pensioners
also
 poses a problem. They do not want to leave their jobs and make their workplace for the younger generation.
This
 leads to unemployment among freshly graduated cadres. Many employers prefer great experience to a young mind. The good individual
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 is that in many families grandchildren have a chance to see and live with
gradparents
Correct your spelling
grandparents
, receiving vital knowledge from them, and sometimes even great-grandchildren. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 the
government
 should accept at least 2 important new laws. One of them is that all pensioners must leave their place at work when they reach pension age.
This
 may not apply to private companies.
Then
 young cadres can easily get a job in state institutions.
This
 will reduce the unemployment rate and increase the quality of
life
 in general. The second is that the
government
 should provide a decent pension payment so that people in old age do not need food and other important things. In conclusion, it should be noted that the
government
 should not turn a blind eye to
this
, since in the future the
number
 of retired who want to have more money will increase and with it their
life
 expectancy.
Submitted by islomov1229 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: