IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In the 21st century, many women have come out of their home to become what we call working women. What are the advantages and disadvantages of women doing work?

#st #century #women #home #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the current century, many
female
Change to a plural noun
females
show examples
 have come out of their house to become what we call working
women
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working
women
Use synonyms
 can bring benefits namely,
contribute
Wrong verb form
contributing
show examples
 to
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
show examples
, I believe the demerits of working
women
Use synonyms
 outweigh
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 because working
women
Use synonyms
 are more vulnerable to harassment
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
 and they are more likely to neglect their families
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 On the one hand, the primary benefit of working
women
Use synonyms
 is
enhance
Fix the infinitive
to enhance
show examples
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
engage
Wrong verb form
engaging
show examples
 female
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
 market mean more workforce
avaliable
Correct your spelling
available
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, more workforce
mean
Change the verb form
means
show examples
 more taxes the government can earn via people.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 working can provide a better
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 for their
children
Use synonyms
. To illustrate,
women
Use synonyms
 will have more money can spend
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 namely, education, healthcare, and games, which
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can enhance the quality of
Change noun form
childern's
show examples
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 live .
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I would like to argue the drawbacks of working
working
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
women
Use synonyms
significantly
Add a missing verb
are significantly
show examples
 more than
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
. The primary drawback
women
Use synonyms
 who
involved
Add a missing verb
are involved
show examples
 in
job
Add an article
the job
show examples
 market are more vulnerable to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 victims of harassment from their colleagues or manager.
Consequently
Linking Words
, working
women
Use synonyms
 will become
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more likely to get
metnal
Correct your spelling
mental
 health issues
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 depression, anxiety, and
stree
Correct your spelling
stress
, which
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can have a negative
impacts
Correct the article-noun agreement
impact
show examples
 on
productivity
Add an article
the productivity
show examples
 of working
women
Use synonyms
. The second drawback of working
women
Use synonyms
 is neglect
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because working
women
Use synonyms
 do not have enough time to spend with their
children
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
more likely to struggle mentally because no one
look
Change the verb form
looks
show examples
 after them.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
Although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working
women
Use synonyms
 can bring upsides namely,
boosts
Wrong verb form
boosting
show examples
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
show examples
, I think the downsides of working
women
Use synonyms
 outweigh
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 because working
women
Use synonyms
 are more vulnerable to harassment in workplaces and they are more likely to neglect their families.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Economic independence
  • Workforce
  • Diverse perspectives
  • Innovation
  • Dual-income
  • Work-life balance
  • Gender pay gap
  • Glass ceiling
  • Stress management
  • Traditional family roles
  • Dual burden
  • Career progression
  • Professional opportunities
  • Financial stability
  • Empowerment
  • Child-rearing
  • Societal expectations
  • Maternity leave
  • Gender roles
  • Occupational segregation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: