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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)
#hours #work #week #people #categories #activities #childcare #home #housework
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A married woman that had no child will tend to spend 30
hours
Use synonyms
 a
week
Use synonyms
 doing unpaid
work
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as housework. As far as a married man with no
children
Use synonyms
 was
concern
Wrong verb form
concerned
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, he regularly spent less than 20
hours
Use synonyms
 in one
week
Use synonyms
 doing unpaid
work
Use synonyms
. A married woman that has one or two
children
Use synonyms
 will spend 20
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
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a
week
Use synonyms
 longer than those who had no child doing unpaid
work
Use synonyms
 which was mostly childcare or housework,
although
Linking Words
 the duration of men doing unpaid
work
Use synonyms
 remained the same with those who had no
children
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 which was around 20
hours
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. For
the
Correct article usage
apply
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married women that had more than three
children
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, they will spend a whopping 60
hours
Use synonyms
 doing unpaid
work
Use synonyms
 a
week
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, married men will spend less time doing unpaid
work
Use synonyms
 than those who had one or two or even no
children
Use synonyms
 at all mainly because they need more money for the family.
Submitted by twiggseducationbdg on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, week, work, children with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • demographics
  • household responsibilities
  • societal expectations
  • norms
  • childcare
  • housework
  • gardening
  • contributions
  • family structure
  • cultural implications
  • social implications
  • work-life balance
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