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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People in many countries spend more and more time far away from their families. Why does this happen and what effects will it have on them and their families？

#people #countries #time #families #happen #effects #families？
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In
this
Linking Words
 fast-paced life,
people
Use synonyms
 rarely stay at home and spend time with families for several reasons, including working, studying, and marriage. It may contribute to some negative influence on their relationship with
significant
Correct pronoun usage
their significant
show examples
 other
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. There are two main factors that lead to
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.
To begin
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 with, so fierce is the competition that most employees need to work in other countries or cities. In the capital, there are more opportunities for youngsters and job-seekers to gain a well-paid salary
as well as
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 develop their career paths.
For instance
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, the salary in Western countries is higher than that in Asian nations;
consequently
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, plenty of workers would rather select foreign work as their occupation.
In addition
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, most international enterprises and large-scale companies would be located in topical in a nation. For the purpose of gaining a better opportunity, most
people
Use synonyms
 would like to apply for large enterprises.
As a result
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 have no other choice but to leave their hometown
for making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 a living.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 gives rise to several negative impacts.
Firstly
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, depression and anxiety may come
along with
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 homesickness. Family plays a vital role in
people
Use synonyms
’s life;
whereas
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 if
people
Use synonyms
 leave their family and live alone, it seems to lose support and accompany by close other.
Consequently
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, it may even influence their working performance or academic performance.
Secondly
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, long-distance relationships may affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
marital
affair
Fix the agreement mistake
affairs
show examples
.
Although
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 there are a number of social media that could help us keep in touch without regional restrictions, it is still too hard for any of us to maintain long-distance relationships.
Therefore
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, it is undeniable that it may impact family ties and even harm marriage. In conclusion, compared to life before,
people
Use synonyms
 spend less time with their families for some reasonable personal reasons,
such
Linking Words
 as working; at the same time, we should emphasize that it may affect our relationship with our significant other.
Submitted by wayne685241 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt to a good extent, offering reasons for spending time away from families and discussing the effects. However, the discussion could be more focused and specific.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is generally clear, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the essay could benefit from stronger coherence and better organization of ideas within paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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