There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Nowadays, children received lots of
pressured
Change the form of the verb
pressure

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to succeed in their academic journey. There is the
believe
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belief

The word believe doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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that
subjects
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like Physical
education
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and
cookery
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should be removed from
school
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the school

The noun phrase school syllabus seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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syllabus. I strongly believe that
non academic
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non-academic

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course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses

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are fundamental for
a
Correct article usage
the

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good social development of young people. I consider that
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this
Change the determiner
these

It appears that the singular demonstrative this is modifying the plural noun subjects. Consider using a plural demonstrative or a singular noun instead.

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subjects
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help to improve the
concentration
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.
In addition
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, they help to improve their ability to survive in a complex society.
Firstly
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,
i
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I

The pronoun I should always be capitalized.

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would talk about how
concentration
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is related to
non academic
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non-academic

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subjects
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. Physical
education
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helps
the
Correct article usage
apply

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kids to learn about
his
Correct pronoun usage
their

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body. Having
sport
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sports

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habits is fundamental for a
relax
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relaxed

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and clear mind.
For example
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, there is a study from the
university
Capitalize word
University

The word university should be capitalized in this context.

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of Oxford that demonstrates the strong
relation
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relationship

The word relation doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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between
concentration
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and sports.
Therefore
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,
non academic
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non-academic

It appears that non academic is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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subjects
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, like physical
education
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

,
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help

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to
improved
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improve

It appears that the verb improved should be in the base form as part of the to-infinitive following helps. Consider changing the verb form.

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concentration
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

in young people.
Secondly
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, learning about
subjects
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like
cookery
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

helps
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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children survive a more complex society.
For instance
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, a kid the learned how to cook
wont
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won't

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need
to
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too

The word to doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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much help from others
,
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apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma in a compound predicate. Consider removing it.

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and even could give a hand
in
Change preposition
with

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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house needs.That said, cooking and nutrition are fundamental aspects that will help them navigate their life.
Thus
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, learning
cookery
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

will improve the ability to survive in society. To summarize,
Non academic
Add a hyphen
Non-academic

It appears that Non academic is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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subjects
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

like Physical
education
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

an
Correct your spelling
and

The word an doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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Cookery
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

will help
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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children to improve their
concentration
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and
overall
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

abilities to survive in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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modern societies.
That is
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why I
considere
Correct your spelling
consider
considered

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Linking Words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

this
Change the determiner
these

It appears that the singular demonstrative this is modifying the plural noun subjects. Consider using a plural demonstrative or a singular noun instead.

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subjects
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

are fundamental for
social
Correct article usage
the social

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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development of young people. In regards to the future schools should invest more in these types of courses to help
prepared
Wrong verb form
prepare

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb prepared. Consider changing it.

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kids for their adulthood.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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