The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
This
given bar chart illustrates how many employees from two gender groups have been working in different types of occupations in Australia during the
last
year.
Overall
,
while
a sizeable majority of women's population have been clerical, a huge number of men have been working in the trade realm as
businessman
Fix the agreement mistake
businessmen
show examples
.
Furthermore
,
a
Change the article
an
show examples
insignificant number of ladies worked as trade
person
Fix the agreement mistake
persons
show examples
and in the field of production
whereas
a minority of men's community were workers. At first glance,
it is clear that
being trade
people
and clerical were the two most common jobs among men and more than 800000
people
were doing these economic activities
while
working as a clerk and a professional were the most regular jobs among women by working more than 700000
people
in those realms.
Moreover
, the less frequent occupations among females have been working as
Add an article
a
show examples
businesswoman
Fix the agreement mistake
businesswomen
show examples
and working in production fields by 100000 ladies who were doing
this
types of jobs
while
less frequent works among males were working as a labour and
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
semi-professional employees respectively by 500000 and fewer hired
people
in these job positions.
Submitted by m.v.g1371 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment figures
  • Sectors
  • Significant disparities
  • Gender balance
  • Skewed
  • Trends
  • Patterns
  • Dominant
  • Inferred
  • Labor market
  • Year-on-year comparison
  • Insights
  • Implications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: