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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK. ...

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK. ...
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This
Linking Words
 bar chart illustrates the total
time
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
10 to
15 year
Add a hyphen
15-year
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 children are spending on
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
chating
Correct your spelling
chatting
 and playing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 during their regular school days within the UK.
Overall
Linking Words
,
boys
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 are spending most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
games
Use synonyms
 but
girls
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 are spending more
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
chating
Correct your spelling
chatting
 on
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
. Spending
time
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 less than an hour in a day is quite similar in both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
activities. On the one hand, internet
chating
Correct your spelling
chatting
 for less than an hour is quite
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 in all
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
boys
Use synonyms
,
girls
Use synonyms
 and rest all
that is
Linking Words
 around 20
percentage
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per cent
show examples
. On
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
average
Add a comma
,average
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
girls
Correct quantifier usage
number of girls
show examples
 are spending 1-3 hours is higher
in
Change preposition
than
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
boys
Correct quantifier usage
number of boys
show examples
spend
Correct pronoun usage
who spend
show examples
 the same
time
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 is 30% to 35 % respectively, followed by others at around 28%.
However
Linking Words
, almost 9%
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girls
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of girls
show examples
 are spending more than 4hrs in a day but
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
 people and
boys
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 are spending less respectively in
this
Linking Words
 category.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
boys
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 are utilizing most of the
time
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 on
games
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 which
was
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were
show examples
 around 42% but
girls
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 are not engaging themselves in
this
Linking Words
activit
Correct your spelling
activity
 as it was approximately 12%,
however
Linking Words
,
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
 category comes on second in playing
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
. Even,
ratio
Add an article
the ratio
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 investing more
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 4hrs in
day
Add an article
a day
the day
show examples
 is
also
Linking Words
 quite higher for
boys
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 compared with
girls
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 and other people.
On
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In
show examples
contrast
Add an article
the contrast
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,
ratio
Add an article
the ratio
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 spending less than an
hours
Correct the article-noun agreement
hour
show examples
 on
games
Use synonyms
 is comparatively higher than
boys
Use synonyms
 and all.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, games, boys, girls with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • adolescents
  • chatting online
  • games consoles
  • average school day
  • time allocation
  • social interaction
  • gaming habits
  • internet usage
  • preference
  • daily patterns
  • peak times
  • weekdays
  • weekends
  • gender differences
  • trends
  • implications
  • social skills
  • physical health
  • academic performance
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