IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people try to balance work and other parts of their life. However, this is very difficult to do. What are the problems associated with this? What is the best way to achieve a better balance?

#people #balance #work #parts #life
Most people cannot manage their
work
life
 and personal
life
 equally.
This
 essay will analyze possible effects and solutions to
this
 phenomenon. There are so many areas of
life
 that
unbalanced
Correct article usage
an unbalanced
show examples
life
 can affect.
Firstly
 and mainly it affects relationships with family members.
By answering to
Change preposition
Answering
show examples
work
 emails during family travel or talk can be disrespectful to family members , and they start to less communicate because of lack of attention. If children do not get enough attention ,especially from their parents , they can have trauma which affects their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 or more
worth
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they can join unpleasant companies which can be linked to alcohol drugs or even terrorism. Another thing is that if people spend most of their on
work
 and do not take care of themselves, their motivation level drops down which leads to doing
work
 with less quality.
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
 they start to have issues with their health, like depression
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
diabetes, high blood pressure , and digestive issues. We can prevent it in many small ways. Prioritizing our daily choices plays a crucial role in reaching balance in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. By choosing family over
work
 we should enlighten that
while
 we are off
work
 we do not be distributed by
work
. If we are at home we need to spend our time with family members, and the same with
work
,
while
 working we do not need to be disturbed by relatives,
Furthermore
 we need to realize that there is no perfect balance in any way. We can try to balance personal
life
 with
work
life
, but we cannot fully stabilize it . It is normal to not have
steady
Correct article usage
a steady
show examples
 personal
life
 and career, we just do not overdo one of them. At least we need to
try
Add the particle
try to
show examples
 give both of them attention equally. In conclusion,having less communication with relatives and health issues can be the main causes of dis-balance in
life
. It can be solved just by prioritizing our
life
,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
however
 we should realize that we cannot reach to fully stabilized
life
.
Submitted by khamraevamadinabonu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that the essay addresses all parts of the question and provides a clear and comprehensive response. Develop ideas in a more focused and thorough manner with specific and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas and use transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Ensure that the introduction and conclusion effectively present and summarize the main ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: