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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The provided chart illustrates the number of birth in Australia and the
Use synonyms
immigrants
Correct quantifier usage
number of immigrants
show examples
 who are living in urban, rural, and
town
Fix the agreement mistake
towns
show examples
 from 1995 and 2010. It is clearly observed that the number of
immigrants
Use synonyms
 who lived in cities accounted for the highest
figure
Use synonyms
 over the period. In 1995, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of local people who lived in
ciries
Correct your spelling
cities
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 about 50%,
whereas
Linking Words
 that
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in 2010 was above 60 %.
In addition
Linking Words
, the percentages for
Astralians
Correct your spelling
Australians
 who choose
town
Add an article
a town
show examples
 and rural areas for living were 20% and 30% in 1995, respectively. These
Use synonyms
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 in 2010 were equal to each other. About
immigranats
Correct your spelling
immigrants
, 60% and 70% of
immigrants
Use synonyms
 decided to live in cities in 1995 and 2010, respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
figure
Use synonyms
 for
immigrants
Use synonyms
 who lived in towns in 1995 was
abot
Correct your spelling
about
 10% and that
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in 2010 was lower at approximately 5%.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of foreign people who stayed
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 rural areas was 40%,
in
Linking Words
contrast
Add the comma(s)
,contrast
show examples
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 significantly decreased to almost 5%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words immigrants, figure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Demographic
  • Trends
  • Urban areas
  • Rural areas
  • Town
  • Native-born
  • Foreign-born
  • Migration patterns
  • Economic factors
  • Government policies
  • Increase
  • Decrease
  • Steady
  • Peak
  • Trough
  • Time frame
  • Significant changes
  • Distribution
  • Notable
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