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Band 5.5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #communities #countries
Helping individuals who live in other nations is considered to be challenging and we can
support
 only
people
 who belong to our own society.I believe that it is not difficult to assist
people
 from other countries as there are several ways to care about them. On the one hand, every society and every government should be responsible for the condition of their population. Individuals who need financial
support
 can be provided with opportunities by their authority not by others. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 every country has their own poor
people
as
Correct word choice
apply
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they have a chance to be provided good conditions or jobs by the government. In case, a country tries to maintain the stability between rich and poor
people
, they will get equality for both types of
people
.In China,
for instance
, the percentage of poor
people
 is claimed almost 10% and every region has to take care of children who have no parents or adults who have no places to live.
On the other hand
,it is not denied that Apart from a far distance,
people
 try to give benefits to other nations because of modern transportation and improved technologies.
People
 who need
support
 can
be received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 help from other countries’ entrepreneurs and their efforts can not be limited not only by phone or other devices but
also
 they are delivered by
fast
Rephrase
apply
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modelled transportation.
According to
 the
last
 survey, there were
people
 who
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 seriously injured by earthquakes in Turkey who were given clothes, food and other items by other nations through aeroplanes and online clicks
for instance
. As to why, it seems not to be difficult to give help to other
people
 who are struggling with problems. In conclusion,
people
 who are experiencing difficulties should not only get profits from indigenous
people
 but
also
 other communities should allocate resources to
support
 them.
Submitted by kmuxayyo97 on

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task response
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides relevant arguments and examples.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, but the logical progression of ideas could be improved to enhance coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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