IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, celebrities complain about the way the media publicize their private lives. Some people say that they should accept it as part of their fame. Do you agree or disagree?

When it comes to famous
people
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,
people
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 hold conflicting views on whether the media should
publicize
Change the spelling
publicise
show examples
 the private
lives
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 of
celebrities
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.
While
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people
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 believe that they should accept these
lives
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 as a part of their fame, I disagree with
this
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 phenomenon.
To begin
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 with, there are a variety of negative problems
publicizing
Change the spelling
publicising
show examples
 the private
lives
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 of famous
people
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. Indeed, it is important to know that when some media
publicize
Change the spelling
publicise
show examples
 the private
lives
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 of
celebrities
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,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 affects their spirit
as well as
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 their concentration on their work. It could be explained by the fact that they don’t have the freedom to do anything that they love.
Moreover
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, both
celebrities
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 and other individuals are the same, but
celebrities
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 are only different from other individuals in that they have many
people
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 who know about them with fame in some fields.
For example
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, a famous singer who is
publicized
Change the spelling
publicised
show examples
 too much about their love
,
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apply
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can suffer pressure and
then
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 end their love. There is another problem explaining why
publicizing
Change the spelling
publicising
show examples
 private
lives
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 is disadvantageous. Nowadays, famous
people
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 are an inspiration for many young
people
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.
Therefore
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, when
publicizing
Change the spelling
publicising
show examples
 the private
lives
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 of
celebrities
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 who were in adulthood, their
lives
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 can strongly affect
youth
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 when it comes to many aspects
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for
Punctuation problem
, for
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 instance. The reason is that when they have a good
life
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, the younger
people
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 can get the experiences from them.
However
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, when they have a contrasting
life
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,
youth
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 would copy
this
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life
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can badly affect
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youth's
Check wording
their
show examples
 future
life
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.
To conclude
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, I would argue that
publicizing
Change the spelling
publicising
show examples
 private
lives
Use synonyms
 can bring many disadvantages which impact not only
celebrities
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 but
also
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 especially on
youth
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 in their future
lives
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.

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task response
State your view clearly in the opening and keep it in every paragraph.
task response
Give clear reasons and a simple example in each point; add more detail to back up your view.
coherence cohesion
Make each paragraph have one main idea and start with a clear topic sentence.
coherence cohesion
Use easy link words to show flow, such as also, but, because, for example, so.
overall
The writer states a clear position.
coherence cohesion
Some linking words help the flow between ideas.
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