IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Obesity in children is a serious problem in a number of countries. What are the causes of obesity in children? Discuss the possible alarming effects of this problem in the future.

It is clear that
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 have increasingly been obese in many parts of the world over the past few years.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes of
obesity
Use synonyms
 and
suggests
Correct subject-verb agreement
suggest
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 the possible consequences that may result in
case
Correct article usage
the case
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 of negligence. There are several reasons why more young people are becoming overweight in today's world.
Firstly
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,
children
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 are susceptible to
obesity
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 because of poor diets. In fact, since most parents don't find sufficient time for cooking at home,
children
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 have to consume a great number of fast foods and processed ones, which
are
Verb problem
apply
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greatly
contributing
Wrong verb form
contribute
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 to the build-up of fat and
compromising
Wrong verb form
compromise
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 their fitness.
Second,
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adolescents who don't exercise much are more likely to gain weight because they don't burn as many calories. Recent studies have indicated that young people in Australia spend more time on sedentary activities,
such
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 as watching television or playing video games, rather than on active ones. The rise in the number of overweight
children
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 can lead to many problems.
Obesity
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 could give rise to various health issues and diseases, which can be fatal.
For instance
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, potential health issues for an obese child may include diabetes and respiratory disorders.
In addition
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,
obesity
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 can have a major impact on how adolescents feel about themselves and how they interact with others. If
children
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 are overweight, they will be more likely to have low self-esteem, impairing other aspects of their lives, especially the development of friendships and competency at school. In short, the increasing number of overweight
children
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 is mainly caused by unhealthy diets and lifestyles. The effects of the trend are severe since
obesity
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 can have various negative effects on the health and mental wellness of
children
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.

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content
Improve task response by adding more facts or clear proof of the causes and more clear results for the future.
structure
Make each idea in a paragraph very clear and use linking words to show how one idea leads to the next.
grammar
Fix small language mistakes such as 'are increasingly been obese' and 'in case of negligence' so the message is easy to follow.
vocabulary
Try to use simple words in a steady way and avoid long hard phrases.
structure
The essay has two clear parts that talk about causes and effects.
content
There are good examples, like the note on Australia.
structure
There is a clear intro and a closing line.
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