IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#companies #employees #work #position #age #opportunities #generation
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From the dawn of time, having a career has been an inseparable concept of human life in order to provide necessities. It is a widely held view that workers who are above 55 years old, should be encouraged to leave their position to give chances to the youth, a theory which I fully subscribe to. The main justification why having middle-aged employees would not be fruitful is the fact that in
this
 case, the new generation would be workless. It is obvious that the rate of breeding is not equal to the the new job opportunities, even
due to
 the fact that the universe tends to become more technologized, the available job opportunities especially those that are physically demanding like farming are being diminished.
Therefore
, the job problem can be solved by replacing the old generation with the new one. Another explanation is that they have not enjoyed life enough since they were working hard
as
Change preposition
in
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 a high position and responsible worker. Resigning can bring them the opportunity
of
Change preposition
to
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having
Verb problem
spend
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 quality time with their families for the rest of their lives. There are a few facts why encouraging workers at the age of 55 is the right course of action. First and foremost, having young employees can increase the work efficiency. Not only are they energetic, but
also
 they are more familiar with new technologies which can be used in the company.
Therefore
 chores can be done in less time.
Last
 but not least, youngsters are aware of current problems in society like air pollution and recession.
As a result
 of
this
 fact, they can have
more
Add an article
a more
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 efficient way to offer. What can be included from the above is that I find myself among the people who believe replacing high-position workers who are 55 years old to leave is the right decision.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. Be mindful to have a clear progression of ideas from the introduction through the main body to the conclusion. Use transitions effectively between paragraphs and within them to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, however, make sure they are well-developed. The introduction should clearly state your thesis, while the conclusion should effectively summarize your main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally supported, but providing more specific and detailed examples could strengthen your argument. This will make your essay more persuasive and substantiate the points you are making.
task achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. This includes taking a clear position and discussing all relevant points related to the topic.
task achievement
Present clear and comprehensive ideas that directly relate to the topic. While your essay contains relevant points, some ideas could be developed further and expressed more precisely to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to back up your arguments. This will demonstrate a wider knowledge of the topic and provide a solid foundation for your opinions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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