IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Cultural shock is a growing-phenomena in migrants. What are its causes and effects on migrant?

#shock #growing-phenomena #migrants #effects
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
People who migrate for a new
life
 in
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
country
 have significantly increased.
While
 some migrants have a beautiful
life
, some may encounter
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cultural
Add an article
a cultural
show examples
shock
 that can lead to negative results.
This
 essay will examine its causes and effects. Cultural
shock
 is the stress that individuals feel when they move to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 new
country
 and find unfamiliar cultural practices and social norms. Many migrants who suffer from
this
 phenomenon move from familiar environments to different circumstances leading to both physical and psychological issues.
For example
, individuals who live in warm
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 transiting to
cold
Add an article
the cold
show examples
atmosphere
Fix the agreement mistake
atmospheres
show examples
 might report
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
bad health conditions
such
 as
flus
Change the wording
flu
cases of flu
touches of flu
show examples
, lung
disorder
Fix the agreement mistake
disorders
show examples
, and
allergy
Fix the agreement mistake
allergies
show examples
. These consequences affect one lifestyle and can cause discomfort and anxiety.
Furthermore
,
language
 barriers are the major root cause
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 cultural
shock
 phenomena. People who have
low
Correct article usage
a low
show examples
 ability to communicate can lead to misunderstanding and isolation. These may affect not only daily conversation, but
also
 limited access
essential
Change preposition
to essential
show examples
 public services
such
 as healthcare, education, and employment.
Moreover
, body
language
 may be different across cultures, leading to confusion or mislead.
Additionally
, as migrants
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not proficient in
host
Correct article usage
the host
show examples
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
language
, they can break
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 and laws that
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 many unintended consequences. In sum,
while
 immigration is the way to improve
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
life
, there are many issues to be
concerns
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
 including cultural
shock
 as it can lead to unhappy outcomes.
For those
Change preposition
Those
show examples
 who can understand and appropriately prepare the physical and mental health conditions and
eliminating
Wrong verb form
eliminate
show examples
language
Correct article usage
the language
show examples
 gap will enjoy the new
life
 without concern.
Submitted by amittawin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The essay might benefit from clearer topic sentences for each paragraph. Ensure each main point is distinct and logically follows from the previous one.
Task Achievement
While the essay covers major causes and effects of cultural shock, further examples or elaboration could strengthen the task response.
Task Achievement
Present more details about how cultural shock affects mental health in addition to the existing examples about physical health.
Task Achievement
Try to maintain a consistent level of detail in examples throughout the essay. Some points could use more explanation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction is clear, setting up the issue well for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, creating a logical flow.
Task Achievement
The essay covers a wide range of causes and effects, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: