IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Cultural shock is a growing-phenomena in migrants. What are its causes and effects on migrant?

#shock #growing-phenomena #migrants #effects
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People who migrate for a new
life
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 in
new
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a new
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country
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 have significantly increased.
While
Linking Words
 some migrants have a beautiful
life
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, some may encounter
with
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apply
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cultural
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a cultural
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shock
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 that can lead to negative results.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine its causes and effects. Cultural
shock
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 is the stress that individuals feel when they move to
the
Correct article usage
a
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 new
country
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 and find unfamiliar cultural practices and social norms. Many migrants who suffer from
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon move from familiar environments to different circumstances leading to both physical and psychological issues.
For example
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, individuals who live in warm
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country
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countries
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 transiting to
cold
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the cold
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atmosphere
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atmospheres
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 might report
with
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apply
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bad health conditions
such
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 as
flus
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flu
cases of flu
touches of flu
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, lung
disorder
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disorders
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, and
allergy
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allergies
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. These consequences affect one lifestyle and can cause discomfort and anxiety.
Furthermore
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,
language
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 barriers are the major root cause
for
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of
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 cultural
shock
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 phenomena. People who have
low
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a low
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 ability to communicate can lead to misunderstanding and isolation. These may affect not only daily conversation, but
also
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 limited access
essential
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to essential
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 public services
such
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 as healthcare, education, and employment.
Moreover
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, body
language
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 may be different across cultures, leading to confusion or mislead.
Additionally
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, as migrants
do
Verb problem
are
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 not proficient in
host
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the host
show examples
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country
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country's
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language
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, they can break
regulation
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regulations
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 and laws that
make
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have
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 many unintended consequences. In sum,
while
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 immigration is the way to improve
people
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people's
show examples
life
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, there are many issues to be
concerns
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concerned
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 including cultural
shock
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 as it can lead to unhappy outcomes.
For those
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Those
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 who can understand and appropriately prepare the physical and mental health conditions and
eliminating
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eliminate
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language
Correct article usage
the language
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 gap will enjoy the new
life
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 without concern.
Submitted by amittawin on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay might benefit from clearer topic sentences for each paragraph. Ensure each main point is distinct and logically follows from the previous one.
Task Achievement
While the essay covers major causes and effects of cultural shock, further examples or elaboration could strengthen the task response.
Task Achievement
Present more details about how cultural shock affects mental health in addition to the existing examples about physical health.
Task Achievement
Try to maintain a consistent level of detail in examples throughout the essay. Some points could use more explanation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction is clear, setting up the issue well for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, creating a logical flow.
Task Achievement
The essay covers a wide range of causes and effects, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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