IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe the purpose of education should be helping the individual to become useful for society, while others believe it should help individuals to achieve their ambitions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #purpose #education #society #individuals #ambitions
These days, with the advance of globalization,
education
 has
been
Verb problem
become
show examples
 increasingly popular among
people
.
While
 some individuals assume that
education
 is aimed
to aid
Change preposition
at aiding
show examples
 a person in becoming a helpful member of society,
others
 believe that it is a crucial part of obtaining their personal goals.
This
 essay will discuss both views of the argument and I will give my own perspective. On the one hand, many
people
 argue that
education
 is meant to help individuals to be beneficial for society. To be specific, students will someday be part of a community,
therefore
, they need the skills to exist within that society as thoughtful citizens.
For instance
, an individual may become a politician, so he or she needs to be equipped with a variety of
knowledge
 to tackle society’s problems.
Moreover
,
education
 can give
people
 opportunities to transfer their
knowledge
 to
others
.
For example
, students who
are understanding
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
 the language can go to the orphanage house to voluntarily teach children there.
As a result
,
people
 will likely become more connected with each other.
On the other hand
,
others
 believe that the purpose of
education
 is
for assisting
Change preposition
to assist
show examples
 individuals to reach their personal dreams. It can be seen clearly that
people
 who are equipped with the
knowledge
 and skills they need are likely to obtain a promising job.
For instance
, if an individual wants to be a lawyer, he or she should attend a formal
education
 to get
knowledge
 and finny could be certified to be the profession he or she wants to be.
Moreover
, different
people
 will have different objectives in their lives, and to achieve that,
education
 is an indispensable element for
people
. In conclusion, though some groups of
people
 have their own perspectives about the purpose of
education
, I believe it depends on one's preference. If you tend to work socially you definitely should get an
education
 and work for
others
.
Besides
, if you have your own goals, you should reach them through
education
.
Submitted by tranthanhvan2409 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion lack sufficient elaboration and clear summarization of the main points. The logical structure of the essay is somewhat unclear and needs improvement in the organization of ideas.
task response
The response adequately addresses the given prompt and presents relevant ideas. However, the introduction and conclusion should be more developed, and the logical structure of the essay needs to be improved for better coherence and cohesion.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: