IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years, 1960 and 2010.

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years, 1960 and 2010.
#show #percentage #people #sectors #town #b #two #years
The given pie charts illustrate the proportion of citizens working in different fields in 2 towns namely A and B in the years 1960 and 2010.
Overall
, it is obvious that
while
town
 A had
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 significant increase in the rate of
service
Add an article
the service
a service
show examples
 group, the opposite was true for
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 and
sales
 categories. Notably,
although
 a decreased figure was recorded in
town
 B for
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 workforce, its data was
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
superior over the others. In terms of
town
 A, the figures for
sales
 and
service
 workers were 29% and 30%, respectively,
while
 manufacturing accounted for 41% in 1960. After half a decade, there was a gradual increase in the figure for the
service
 group, to 64%, which was three-fold higher than that of manufacturing. The percentage of the
sales
 section declined by
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
half, to 16%, in 2010. Regarding
town
 B,
Manufacturing
Correct article usage
the Manufacturing
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 force remarkably constituted 71% in 1960 and slightly reduced after a 50-year period to 58%. A steady growth was experienced in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
terms of
service
, which was 10% in 1960 and increased to 2.5 times in the final year. There was a negligible growth in the figure for
sales
 employees, at 20%, in 1960 and was 22% in the
last
.
Submitted by tranngochientrinh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words town, service, sales with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: