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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below describes the stages in the process of making canned and bottled carbonated drinks.

The diagram below describes the stages in the process of making canned and bottled carbonated drinks.
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In the presented diagram, the canned and bottled carbonated beverages as a manufacturing
process
Use synonyms
 is displayed.
Overall
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the breakdown of
this
Linking Words
process
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, both canned and bottled carbonated drinks can be accomplished in 5 steps, the first of which takes place in cleaning the result of which is the packing of the finished products to be shifted at the supermarket. The
process
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 commences with raw
water
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 being filtered
then
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 it is delivered to a
water
Use synonyms
 softener and chemicals before it pumps to the next steps. In the following stage,
water
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 will be heated by the electronic heaters,
then
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 cooled down afterwards by the cooling pipe. Concurrently, carbon dioxide will be added in order to make carbonated
water
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 and it will be transferred to the third stage. Meanwhile, the mixing
process
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 will be composed of the addition of colour, syrup, and flavour respectively. Simultaneously, the final filtration begins in the later step, which will be filled into bottles and cans.
Finally
Linking Words
, both types of merchandise will be packaged and delivered to the store.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words process, water with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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