IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Obesity is a serious problem in many countries, especially in rich countries. Discuss ways to solve the problem. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#obesity #countries #support
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OVER THE DECADES,
Obesity
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 has been a significant issue in our lives, particularly in wealthy countries.
Due to
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 the sedentary lifestyle
as well as
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 fast
food
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, it is widely known that
obesity
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 is
highly
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apply
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increasing day by day. After analyzing the fundamental reasons for
obesity
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,
this
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 essay will present plenty of solutions. The first significant thing to be considered is that providing people eat too much fast
food
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 and maintain a sedentary lifestyle,
obesity
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 can be disseminated faster than ever. To illustrate, American and English people are passionate about fast
food
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due to
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 the fact that it is cheaper than other nutrition.
Furthermore
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, they prefer driving cars to walking.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can increase the risk of
obesity
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 enormously.
According to
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 one of the research projects I have read recently, half of young American individuals deal with higher weight problems. Another issue is that these youngsters struggle with depression
due to
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obesity
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. As far as the solutions are concerned, the governments should decline the spreading of fast-
food
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 consumption by encouraging healthy
food
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as well as
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 an active lifestyle. Not only should youngsters eat healthy
food
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, but
also
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, they had better carry out regular exercise.
Moreover
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, the government must assign successful nutritionists
as well as
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 psychologists to every company or school. From a recent survey conducted by the New York Times, they came to know that 50
percent
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per cent
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 of people lost 8 lbs thanks to the continuous support of dieticians and therapists. Apart from the government, the family structure is closely linked to
obesity
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 problems;
that is
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 why, it is crucial to obtain family support. Compared to rich countries, it is observed that family ties are of paramount importance. Thanks to
this
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, the
obesity
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 rate demonstrates highly low data. Taking everything into account , though
obesity
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 is a severe issue in the developed world
,
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apply
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 if the above steps are taken into account, the situation will surely improve in the coming decades
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task response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt adequately and provides relevant solutions to the problem of obesity. However, the introduction and conclusion could be stronger and more focused on the task at hand. Additionally, the essay lacks depth in analyzing the fundamental reasons for obesity, which could enhance the overall task response.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure of the essay is well-maintained for the most part, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more explicit in presenting the main points and summarizing the content of the essay. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more cohesive devices to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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