IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

9.Some parents believe that children today spend too much time looking at screens. Others argue that this is necessary in the modern world. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#parents #children #time #screens #world
In recent times,
kids
 have invested most of their time playing with mobile
phones
 and some
parents
 are uncomfortable with
this
 idea. Some others believe that mobile phone is beneficial in
this
 era. The primary reason why most
parents
 are worried is if their
kids
 are being used to accessing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phones
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the impact of long screen time will postpone the
kids
' brain development. On top of that, the children might not be socially active because they already find pleasure in mobile
phones
, so they are not really attracted to joining the game with another kid.
Moreover
,
this
 concern will grow eventually and
parents
 are scared that their
kids
 tend to be more quiet in social groups.
On the contrary
, there are a lot of benefits
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 getting used to the mobile phone. A mobile phone is like holding all advanced
technology
 in your hand. People that used to holding
phones
 since
kids
 may have several skills that might be useful in the workplace.
Furthermore
, these
kids
 may be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tech-savvy and can develop several software that can be very crucial in future. One reason behind
this
 is the
kids
 are curious about
technology
 and they want to be the ones in charge of developing
technology
 inventions. The children
also
 can access the outside world and new pieces of knowledge that may never be taught in school. In conclusion, the advantages of having a large amount of timescreen outweigh the disadvantages. Even so, the
parents
 have a compulsory job to give more attention to the
kids
' access to
technology
 and the internet.
Submitted by matcha on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: