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Band 4.5

Nowadays most people are not as fit and active, as they were in the past. What are the main causes of this situation? Suggest some possible solutions

#people #situation
There are a lot of diseases in our communities related to
Add a missing verb
being
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inactive and unfitness,diabetes, heart ailments and high blood pressure, because life differs from the past ,In
this
 essay I will suggest some solutions
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 could help to solve
this
 problem, The changing
of
Change preposition
apply
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lifestyle makes everything
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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different from
people
's ways of living in the past ,
As a result
 ,
people
 become lazy and unfit that become from many reasons ,the most important reason is lack of health
in
Correct word choice
apply
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both physical and social, wherever that keeps
people
 in bad moods all the time ,
Moreover
, the easier accessible things which they need,
for example
, shopping, restaurants, are available in any time ,Another reason using a car
in contrast
 for
people
 in the past they used bicycle
that is
 a good exercise to feel active. we can solve
this
 cause with a lot of solutions, the first and most , the government should increase the number of clubs and sports in located majority population , that encourage
people
 to arrange a time to play sports and work ,
furthermore
,the presidents should modify their diets to the healthy regime , individuals should try to use the old equipment as a bicycle , or walk, shopping, that use help boday to used a lot of calories to lead us to be more health and fitness. In conclusion, In the decade ahead,
people
 can improve their health and be active by modifying their diet eating and doing many active exercises they will be at a high level of energy because they realize the dangers of an active life .
Submitted by Ssaraan2017 on

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task response
The essay partially addresses the task, but the points are not well developed. More detail and expansion on the causes and solutions is needed.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks clear organization and coherence. Use appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas and improve the overall structure of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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