IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8.5

Young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities such as hiking and climbing in nature. Why is this? And how can we encourage them to go out?

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It is true that young
people
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 are unlikely to spend
time
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 on outdoor
activities
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. There could be several reasons why
this
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 is the case.
This
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 essay will explain why young
people
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 require staying at home more than
activities
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 like hiking and discuss some solutions to encourage them There are two main reasons why young communities do not like to exercise.
To begin
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 with, they do not have adequate
time
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 for
such
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activities
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.
For instance
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, many businesses force their employees to work on weekends and even holidays.
Therefore
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, they do not have
time
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 for other
activities
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. Another reason is that young
people
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 are too lazy for outdoor
activities
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. Technology is becoming more and more developed
thus
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people
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 rely too much on it. They do not want to do things by themselves and even exercise Fortunately, several measures could be taken to alleviate
this
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 issue. The first solution is that the government can organise some competitions for young
people
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 to participate in. They used to not have any energy for these exercises.
Nevertheless
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, having
people
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 to compare with may contribute to their motivation. The second measure is that the government should give a policy for companies.
For example
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, the authorities can forbid companies to coerce employees to work overtime.
Moreover
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, they can
also
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 have some punishments for violating regulations In conclusion, young
people
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 do not want to do outdoor
activities
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due to
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 their lack of
time
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 and their ability.
However
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,
activities
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 including hiking and climbing have a significant number of benefits for them.
Consequently
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, the authorities should ban companies from forcing
people
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 to work too much and set up some competition for them

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Grammar & Style
To further enhance your essays, consider varying your sentence structures more to showcase a wide range of grammatical constructions. This will not only make your writing more engaging but also demonstrate your linguistic proficiency.
Vocabulary
Introducing more sophisticated vocabulary, particularly related to the topic of outdoor activities and societal trends, can further enrich your essay. Words and phrases that deepen the analysis of why young people may prefer indoor activities could add depth to your argument.
Argumentation
While your essay is well-structured, incorporating a brief counter-argument or discussion of opposing viewpoints could provide a more balanced perspective. Acknowledging and refuting these viewpoints can strengthen your position.
Content
Your essay effectively outlines the reasons why young people may prefer to stay indoors and offers tangible solutions to encourage outdoor activities, showcasing a strong task achievement.
Structure
The logical flow and clarity of your essay are commendable. Your use of paragraphs to separate ideas clearly and your smooth transitions contribute greatly to the essay's coherence and cohesion.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your essay, highlighting your ability to present and summarise your main points effectively.
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