IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of diiferent cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agreee or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #diiferent #cultures #ages #agreee
Quite a few individuals believe that music is a great mode of combining
people
 of various traditions and ages as
one
 group. I completely agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 view
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 music plays a vital role in bringing folks together. In the past decade or so , tunes were produced in a very melodic way with a slow beat which was preferred by a wide range of
people
 at that time. But, when
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 evolved, tunes
also
 changed in many aspects. I would say
this
 has led to a variety of
songs
 that
one
 can relate
depending
Change preposition
to depending
show examples
 on their mood. Hearing
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
songs
 is a mode where
people
 tend to enjoy and express their feelings.
For instance
, when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am feeling low
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 certain times,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am used to
listening
Add the preposition
tolistening
show examples
 a motivational song created by an American artist. So, irrespective of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 large number of
songs
 produced in my language,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 choose to listen to beats published by
another artist
Fix the agreement mistake
other artists
show examples
 of different
origin
Fix the agreement mistake
origins
show examples
.
Public
Correct article usage
The public
show examples
 nowadays
hear
Correct subject-verb agreement
hears
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a melody and
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 touched by the reminiscences
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their happenings in the past. Production now attracts folks all over the world , not only focusing on
one
 particular community. Older
people
 now are welcoming different genres and enjoying
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Various concerts are performed by different artists in many languages that
attracts
Correct subject-verb agreement
attract
show examples
 a crowd irrespective of their age.
For example
, a boy band called BTS, based
off
Change preposition
in
show examples
 South Korea , has attracted fans everywhere in the world, regardless of creating
songs
 in Korean. Individuals tend to celebrate them as idols and their concerts
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
 a community of
people
 regardless of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender,culture and traditions.
To conclude
, in my view, sounds and tunes are put together to generate how
one
 is feeling in their life and express them.Through
this
, a group has developed a positive impact and how it has changed
one
's personality. So, it has the
tendancy
Correct your spelling
tendency
 to bring together humans without any
barrier
Fix the agreement mistake
barriers
show examples
 of tradition and languages.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: