IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people spend the whole day at a computer and don’t have much time for exercise. What problem does this lifestyle lead to? How can these problems be avoided??

#people #computer #don’t #time #exercise #lifestyle
In today's rapidly evolved world, the majority of societies tend to sit in front of the screen computer all
day
 long.
However
,
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 habits
bring
Verb problem
cause
show examples
people
 to forget
aboung
Correct your spelling
about
 maintaining their
healthiness
Replace the word
health
show examples
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 by doing physical
exercise
 even in
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
time
. In
this
 essay, I will explain
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the potential problems and the possible solutions regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 habits
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 In working life, labourer
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to finish all the
assignment
Fix the agreement mistake
assignments
show examples
 in
time
 to show their competency and competitive advantage. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
company
 target,
people
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 have to stay the whole
day
 in the office and
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 definitely have a big role
to accelerate
Change preposition
in accelerating
show examples
 the finishing of work stuff.
For example
,
people
 who work as a programmer have to stay up late until midnight to formulate the project with
spesific
Correct your spelling
specific
 software like C+ or Anova .
In addition
,
everytime
Replace the word
every time
show examples
 they get free
time
, they will spend the
time
 with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fundamental one, like relaxing, having a meal or
hygine
Correct your spelling
hygiene
 stuff.
This
 condition
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 secondary activities like doing sport or even doing hobbies
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 high priority in their life.
Company
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 take a part solution to develop the awareness of
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
health
 among their employee. In a
day
, individuals spend an average
8
Change preposition
of 8
show examples
-9 hour in their office which are more
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 they spend in their houses.
For instance
,
Human
Correct article usage
the Human
show examples
 Capital department could create a
reguler
Correct your spelling
regular
 reminder to the employee
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every 4 hours
for taking
Change preposition
to take
show examples
 a break and
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 a small
exercise
 exactly in their seat. Definitely, the
laboures
Correct your spelling
labourers
also
 should turn off the computer for a
while
. Another simple notion,
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
 might decide one
day
 in a week like
friday
Change the capitalization
Friday
show examples
 morning as a mandatory
day
 for
exercise
 for all the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
. Obviously,
self conciousness
Correct your spelling
self-consciousness is
 still
consider
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a high factor
to run
Change preposition
in running
show examples
this
 program. In conclusion,
while
people
 pursue their goals and dreams in
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
, it does not mean that they forget about their
healthiness
Replace the word
health
show examples
. They can start form a small thing like doing simple
exercise
Fix the agreement mistake
exercises
show examples
 from their seat or
built
Wrong verb form
building
show examples
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 environment in the office.
Submitted by zia_ardhi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: