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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The pie charts show the electricity generated in Germany and France from all sources and renewables in the year 2009

The pie charts show the electricity generated in Germany and France from all sources and renewables in the year 2009
The above pie charts provide information on the sources of electricity generation
Germany
Use synonyms
 and
France
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 using in 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is discernible that conventional thermal was the primary source of
energy
Use synonyms
 in
Germany
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
France
Use synonyms
 relied on nuclear
energy
Use synonyms
. To commence,
Germany
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 generated 560 Billion kWh of electricity in 2009, where just under 60% of
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 came from conventional thermal.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
France
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 produced less
energy
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 than
Germany
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, with 510 kWh, and their conventional thermal only contributed one-tenth of the total. Indeed, nuclear
energy
Use synonyms
 was predominantly used in
France
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, and accounted for 76% of the total production, tripling its use in
Germany
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.
Similarly
Linking Words
, only a small proportion of
energy
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 came from renewables in
Germany
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 and
France
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, at 17.4% and 13.7%, respectively. Concerning the distribution of renewables, in
Germany
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, most of the green
energy
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 was produced from biomass and wind
energy
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. They made up about three-quarters of the total, followed by hydroelectric
energy
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 at 17.7%. A small fraction of renewable
energy
Use synonyms
 came from solar (6.1%).
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
France
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 showed a different pattern in renewable
energy
Use synonyms
 sources, where 80.5% of them were generated from hydroelectric. Wind, biomass and solar made up the remaining renewable electricity sources, totalling 19.5%.
Finally
Linking Words
, neither country used geothermal as an
energy
Use synonyms
 source.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words germany, france, energy with synonyms.
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