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Writing Samples
Band 7

the graph shows the proportion of population age 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries USA, Japan and Sweden .

the graph shows the proportion of population age 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries USA, Japan and Sweden .
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The graph shows the increase in the old population in
Japan
Use synonyms
, Sweden and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
. It indicates that the percentage of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in all three
countries
Use synonyms
 is expected to increase to almost 25% of the old
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
show examples
 by the year 2040. In 1940 the proportion of
people
Use synonyms
 aged 65 or more stood at only 5% in
Japan
Use synonyms
, approximately 7% in Sweden and 9% in the USA.
However
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the figures for
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
 grew to about 15% in around 1990, the figure for
Japan
Use synonyms
 dipped to only 2.5% for much of
this
Linking Words
 period, before rising to almost 5% again at the present time . In spite of some fluctuation in the expected percentages, the proportion of older
people
Use synonyms
 will probably continue to increase in the next two decades in the three
countries
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. A more dramatic rise is predicted between 2030 and 2040 in
Japan
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 by which time it is thought that the proportion of elderly
people
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 will be similar in the three
countries
Use synonyms

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Vocabulary: Replace the words japan, people, countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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