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Band 3

Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend?

#people #activities #mountain #risk #lives #trend
Extreme
activities
 make many
people's
Change noun form
people
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do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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risk their lives
?
Change the punctuation
.
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 Doing extreme
activities
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
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 people frightened and
exiting
Correct your spelling
exciting
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emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
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,
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
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 they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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get an adrenaline rush. It is dangerously climbing mountains and hand gliding ,
although
these
Correct pronoun usage
those
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 who are engaged in
this
 get unforgettable emotions
subsequently
 risky sports are very popular. Extreme sports
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
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unusually
Change the word
unusual
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 feelings and help to distress. People who
doing
Change the form of the verb
do
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this
type
 of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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 can do it to get away from routine or
like
Change preposition
as
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 a hobby . Some
persons
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people
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wants
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want
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 to break a record and they are taking
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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actions like canyoning, mountain biking
an
Correct your spelling
and
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 climbing.
This
 can be considered as
type
Add an article
a type
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 of relaxing or specifical vacation. I agree
this
 is a nice trend. As
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 wrote earlier extreme
activities
 help to relieve stress.
Such
type
 of load for
body
Add an article
the body
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 even healthy in some cases.
However
Add a comma
However,
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 it is very hazardous because by doing
this
 climbers can get serious
injury
Fix the agreement mistake
injuries
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 like breaking
bone
Fix the agreement mistake
bones
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,
brain
Correct word choice
and brain
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concussion
Fix the agreement mistake
concussions
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 it is possible to die. But persons who know
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 maximum and
frightened
Add a missing verb
are frightened
show examples
 of
this
type
 of activity will not do
this
. After all in my opinion risking your life is normal in adequate conditions.
Also
this
is has
Change the verb form
has
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 more advantages than bad sides. I do not see anything wrong of course it is hazardous but
i
Change the capitalization
I
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sure
Add a missing verb
am sure
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 it will be more helpful than harmful.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay should have a clearer structure, with distinctive paragraphs for each main idea. This will help the reader follow your arguments more easily.
task achievement
Make sure to present well-supported points in each paragraph. Include more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Avoid repeating information and ideas. Focus on providing a variety of points and evidence to support your position.
general
Work on sentence structure and grammar to improve readability and clarity.
task achievement
You presented the key reasons why people engage in extreme activities, and whether you think it is a good trend, which directly addresses the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a good overall structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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