IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People who do not use social media networks will always fall behind in career development opportunities.

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It was projected that non-social media users would have restrictions on their
career
Use synonyms
 progression.
However
Linking Words
, it seems exaggerated to express
such
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 an opinion. I firmly believe there are factors that could contribute to someone’s movement in their field of work. One of those factors is matching qualifications. On the one hand, every position will require someone to have certain qualifications if they want to boost their
career
Use synonyms
. Take
manager
Correct article usage
a manager
show examples
 nurse,
for instance
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. They will be asked to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 some obligations that they should have,
such
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 as a master's degree in nursing, excellent leadership skills, and good manners. If they do not have all of them, they will not be able to submit as a manager nurse.
On the other hand
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, even though social media networking may have a certain contribution to someone’s successful
career
Use synonyms
 development, It could not be defined as the most important factor that could bring someone to their peak
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
career
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, if salespeople have lots of connections on LinkedIn,
then
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this
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 person would apply for a job as a nurse manager, but it would not work out because they are not eligible to take that occupation.
As a result
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, they will be asked to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 those qualifications first if they still want to develop their
career
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
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, it is excessive to claim that non-social media users have limits on developing their careers. Because
career
Use synonyms
 movement has several factors, the main factor is the qualification itself. If someone is not eligible for certain positions,
then
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 they would not have opportunities to improve their
career
Use synonyms
 as well.

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay introduction clearly presents the topic and your opinion on it. Your introduction was good, but making your stance clearer from the beginning will strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Develop each paragraph with one clear main idea, supported by examples or explanations. Your essay did well in this area but expanding on examples with more detailed explanations could enhance clarity and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Aim for variety in sentence structure and vocabulary to demonstrate language flexibility and range. There were instances of repetition that could be avoided by using synonyms or rephrasing the sentences.
coherence cohesion
Ensure logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. Use linking words and transitions effectively to guide the reader. While your essay had a good flow, occasionally, smoother transitions between sentences could provide better cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Revisit the importance of a well-rounded conclusion that summarizes your viewpoints and restates your stance on the matter. Your conclusion was adequate but strengthening it with a more definitive statement could leave a lasting impression.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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