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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, all over the world, the topic of how parents should educate and encourage their
heir
Fix the agreement mistake
heirs

It seems that heir may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 is omnipresent.
While
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 some community think the influence of taking part in organised group activities in their free time exist, other people think there are recognition of learning how to occupy themselves on their own. From my point of view, both perspectives are valid for the reasons discussed below. On the one hand, as far as taking part in organised group activities in their free time is concerned,
firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, to a large extent, especially in modern times, no matter where in the world you live, offspring can develop teamwork skills
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 the fact that they playing with others children, leading to being competitive.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, and most importantly for me, you could be more social because you create friendly relationships.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there are advantages of learning how to occupy themselves on their own. First and foremost, by and large, Kids could develop their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds

It seems that mind may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 on account of the fact that they are working for themselves, and could improve their free spirit resulting in being better.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, you can teach
at
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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your children the benefits of meditation.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, at least to some degree, they might be independent,
for example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they learn how to live by themselves, for themselves. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 some people think parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities during their free time has
many
Replace the quantifier
much

It appears that the quantifier many does not fit with the uncountable noun profit. Consider changing it.

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profit
Change to a plural noun
profits

The singular countable noun profit follows the quantifier many, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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, other
population
Change the wording
populations

The adjective other appears to be modifying the singular noun population. Consider making a change.

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 say there are benefits for scion to learn on their own.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, in my opinion, both perspectives have value for the above-mentioned reasons.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • occupied
  • organized
  • group activities
  • benefits
  • social
  • teamwork skills
  • interpersonal skills
  • friendship
  • discipline
  • time management
  • interests
  • hobbies
  • independent play
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • self-reliance
  • explore
  • discover
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