The personal information of many individuals is held by large companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #companies #organisations #outweigh

Institutions have

information

Change preposition

show examples

individual applicants in their storage system.

This

obviously has some benefits and

downside

Fix the agreement mistake

downsides

show examples

to it. In my opinion, I'd say the advantages supersedes the disadvantages. On the one hand, we all have the right to privacy.

Therefore

, when a company receives an applicant's

information

, there should be an agreement to dispose of any personal

information

once the person no longer has anything to do with the facility.

This

is necessary to make people feel

secured

Change the form of the verb

secure

show examples

. To illustrate

this

, a celebrity songtress Benedicta Afram lost her life tragically

as a result

of her previous production company releasing some personal

information

about her to a stranger which paved

way

Correct article usage

the way

show examples

for

this

stranger to locate her house and

shot

Wrong verb form

shoot

show examples

her several times after she refused his proposal.

This

example highlights the consequences that can arise from companies keeping

personal

Correct article usage

the personal

show examples

details of others.

On the other hand

, some people do not have storage means or may accidentally lose very vital

information

. When

this

happens they fall on companies that have their details to retrieve needed

information

about them. I remember my sister lost all her documents

due to

flooding that

occured

Correct your spelling

occurred

in her vicinity. She eventually had to see the manager of her company to enable her

obtain

Add the particle

to obtain

show examples

all the

information

she submitted to them about her.

This

shows some positivity

with

Change preposition

show examples

the argument at hand.

To sum up

, it may be generally safe for workplaces to keep personal

information

about their employees and

this

has many benefits than drawbacks.

Submitted by nmaureen03 on Wed Sep 13 2023

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

250 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

7.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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The personal information of many individuals is held by large companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people think that robots are very important for humans' future development. Others, however, think that robots are a dangerous invention that could have negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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