IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that parent should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own discuss both opinions and give your opinion ?

#people #parent #children #part #group #activities #time
There is a common argument as to how youngsters should spend their spare
time
. Whilst
one
group
 opines partaking in organized
group
 activities should be the norm, others suggest spending
time
 with
self
Correct your spelling
oneself
show examples
 should be encouraged in children. My essay seeks to analyse both views.
To begin
 with, the first and foremost reason why most adults encourage
group
 activities is
building
Change the verb form
to build
show examples
 tolerance in individuals.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 existing in groups with people from differing backgrounds would require members to accept individual differences and uniqueness and even recognize how those features
complements
Change the verb form
complement
show examples
 their own characteristics to
building
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 a united front in achieving excellence in whatever common goal is being pursued.
For example
, I was a disorganized student who was
also
 very good in Mathematics and relatively weak in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drawing subjects. My class teacher
puts
Wrong verb form
put
show examples
 us into smaller groups so we could help
one
 another. My organizing skills improved drastically as there was a girl who would always ensure we kept neat desks and environment whilst studying.
Also
, taking part in
group
 activities nurtures responsible folks. As a common
practise
Replace the word
practice
show examples
, tasks are mostly allocated to the members to yield results within a specified timeframe. They are left with no option
than
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 to fulfil these for the progress of the team. Having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsible behaviour, is an attribute required in several aspects of our lives ranging from school, work and even marriage.
Hence
, I cannot overemphasize the significant gains that
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 with engaging in teamwork.
On the other hand
, towing the individual path is necessary for personal development. Actually, it is key for people to have
self identity
Add a hyphen
self-identity
show examples
enable
Fix the infinitive
to enable
show examples
 them
fit
Add the particle
to fit
show examples
 in society. Performing tasks by
self
Correct your spelling
oneself
show examples
 encourages critical thinking and contentment in humans.
This
 is because, when
one
 is aware they have no
one
 to consult, it heightens their reasoning. To illustrate
this
, during my secondary school days, I was a day student whilst all my friends were in the boarding house. Prior to that, I was not performing well academically. I had no
one
 to consult to complete my assignments as during those times mobile devices were not readily available to speak to my friends. I had no option
than
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 to find answers to the homework questions myself.
This
 continued for a year and my parents saw a positive change in my grades.
Therefore
, I think it is sometimes necessary for pupils to be encouraged to do things on their own.
To sum up
, my opinion is parents should strike a balance in how their wards spend their
time
. They should equally spend
time
 in groups to learn from others and by themselves to learn to be independent.
Submitted by nmaureen03 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: