IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that mobile phones are harmful for children ,while other disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #phones #children
Issues related to the effects of mobile
phones
 on children are frequently discussed these days.
Although
 some believe that
phones
 are harmful for kids, others criticize
this
 and argue that there are many benefits
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
. The two sides of
this
 argument will be thoroughly
disscussed
Correct your spelling
discussed
 and analyzed in the essay before drawing a reasoned conclusion. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why youngsters should limit themselves
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 using
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
. The
principle
Correct your spelling
principal
show examples
 reason is that kids will lack the focus on
somthing
Correct your spelling
something
. To explain, they may concentrate on various contents outside the school
instead
 of learning.
For instance
, when there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 tests, Our children can't read books without checking their
phones
 so the effects will appear on their scores.
Thus
, students who
Add a missing verb
are addict
show examples
addict
Replace the word
addicted
show examples
 to social media are likely
be
Add the particle
to be
show examples
 distracted from their daily tasks than others.
On the other hand
, some opponents may argue that there are a lot of advantages of telephones. The main reason for
this
 view is that we can find many knowledge from
differences
Replace the word
different
show examples
 sources of social platforms.
In other words
, social
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 contain a large number of
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 which are helpful for our sons and daughters.
For example
, English audio or subtitle cartoons on
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 are one of the best case
study
Change to a plural noun
studies
show examples
, Many kids can study and practice their listening and reading skills from
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 channels.
Therefore
, adolescents who grow up beside electronic gadgets are
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
expected to have
Add an article
a wide
show examples
wide
Correct word choice
wider
show examples
 range of knowledge than others. To
summaries
Replace the word
summarise
show examples
, the two points of view of the argument concerning the result of mobile
phones
 to offspring. It is true that there
many
Add a missing verb
are many
show examples
 drawbacks
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
Correct article usage
an Iphone
show examples
Iphone
Correct your spelling
iPhone
 or Android but it is much less than their profits. So, I am of the opinion that we should support our
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 to get familiar with a large amount of new technologies
such
 as
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
.
Submitted by nine318 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive screen time
  • health problems
  • eye strain
  • poor posture
  • disrupted sleep patterns
  • inappropriate content
  • addiction
  • reliance
  • impair
  • social skills
  • educational tools
  • digital literacy
  • mitigated
  • parental guidance
  • safeguards
  • responsible use
  • monitored
  • development
  • benefits
  • risks
What to do next:
Look at other essays: