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Band 4

People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #customs #traditions #country
Many
people
 nowadays choose to immigrate to other countries. It is often held to be that tourists should respect local
customs
. I completely agree with introducing newbies to the
culture
. I'll discuss why it makes sense for immigrants to respect the local
culture
 in
this
 essay. There are many difficulties for new residents who do not follow the
customs
 and traditions when
people
 start to live in a new country .
Firstly
 , they cannot live in harmony with local
people
due to
 differences in
culture
 and traditions when they don’t follow the
customs
 of the
customs
 of the new society . In some cases ,
this
 can lead to conflicts.
People
 who do not allow and understand new ways of life when migrating
abroard
Correct your spelling
abroad
 may experience confusion , stress and depression these
people
 are more likely to
stuggle
Correct your spelling
struggle
 with cultural shocks and other
culture related
Add a hyphen
culture-related
show examples
 problems gradually leading to stress and other mental problem.
In addition
, Newcomers can gain some benefits if they adopt the
customs
 and traditions of a new country . They
treated
Add a missing verb
are treated
show examples
 well by local
people
 if they follow
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their country’s
customs
 .
This
 leads to a better relationship .
As a result
 , immigrants will no longer feel
discrimmiates agiants
Correct your spelling
discriminated against
. In
điction
Add a comma
điction,
show examples
 foreigners will get more interesting experiences by participating
Correct your spelling
in community
incommunity
Correct your spelling
in community
 life In conclusion,
it is clear that
,
whomever
Correct your spelling
whoever
show examples
 you are and wherever you decide to live, you should find a balance between respecting and protecting your own past and understanding and changing to other cultures.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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coherence cohesion
The essay contains relevant ideas but lacks clarity and coherence in presenting them. Work on organizing the ideas in a more structured and logical manner.
task achievement
The essay partially responds to the task by discussing both the benefits and challenges of immigrants respecting local customs. However, it could provide a more comprehensive response by addressing the specific extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the given statement. Make sure to fully address all aspects of the given topic in the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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