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Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
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The bar graph shows the results of a survey which was conducted by a company and gives data on the important factors that determine the
work
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performance
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 of
employees
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 young people’s motivation for their
work
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performance
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 is primarily driven by opportunities for personal growth, a laid-back
work
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environment
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, opportunities for promotion, and salary,
whereas
Linking Words
 for older workers, motivation is primarily driven by money, a competent boss, and a sense of teamwork. To start with, more than 80% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
employees
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 rank the “chance for personal development” as the most critical element in determining what makes for better
work
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performance
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. Three additional crucial elements for
this
Linking Words
 age group’s success are a laid-back
work
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environment
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, the possibility of advancement, and money. The working
environment
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, job security, and respect from coworkers are listed as the least important
performance
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 factors by the youthful group of
employees
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.
Employees
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 between the ages of 45 and 60,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, place a high value on teamwork and finances in terms of
performance
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-related factors.
This
Linking Words
 group is least affected by job stability, a laid-back workplace, and the
environment
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 at
work
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. It’s interesting to note that team spirit (60%), having a competent boss (50%) and job satisfaction (50%), are the issues that are favoured by the same number of
employees
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 in both age groups.
Submitted by dungcbn on

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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words work, performance, employees, environment with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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